Writing ServicesBy June CampbellThe Internet's the greatest development in the history of the human race, or at least since the invention of low- fat ice cream.
It's not that you can do anything on the Internet that you couldn't do before. You can't. The thing is, with the Internet, you can do it all faster and with more gusto! It's been said by the unconverted that computers are machines that allow people to make mistakes fast. The Internet not only allows you to make mistakes fast, but it allows you to do it internationally and on a public level.
However, if you're just using the Internet to surf the Web, you're missing out on the best stuff. (Surf: to flit aimlessly from Web site to Web site, stopping only long enough to become dizzy from the flickering animations, scrolling text and flashing banner ads). It's time to expand your horizons and take on email, mailing lists, newsgroups and chat.
These four Internet components allow you to interact with other persons. For instance, thanks to email, you can now indulge in a fight with a total stranger who crossed your path on a mailing list or during a chat session. Just this morning, I exchanged a hostile barrage of messages with a previously unknown gentleman from Australia. We heatedly and venomously debated the serious topic of which one of us was guilty of a netiquette violation.
Netiquette, in case you're among those who haven't explored the joys of email, news groups and mailing lists, is NetSpeak for well, etiquette. It's the Miss Manners of the Net -- an informal code of behavior that dictates how netizens should conduct themselves.
"Netizens?" you say. Uh huh. That's Web talk for citizens who populate the Internet.
The Net is a great place to acquire information. Take mailing lists for example. Mailing lists are email lists that focus on a defined topic. Netizens who share common interests subscribe for what is usually free membership. List members then conduct email discussions, ask questions, share information, develop online romances and most importantly, wage battle over netiquette.
You can obtain valuable information from mailing lists. For example, while writing a business letter, I couldn't recall the correct placement of the Subject Line. No problem. I'm on the Net, right. I'll just post the question to my writer's group. Within half an hour, I knew the following:
Anne: Put it right after the date and before the salutation.
Peter: No, put it after the salutation and before the body of the letter. Underline it.
John: What're you using a subject line for anyway? I don't bother with that.
Mavis: These people are all wrong. Put it after the salutation but bold it. Underlining's passé.
Anne: Well, I didn't join this list to have people tell me I'm wrong. Why don't you all just buy a damn book and find out for yourself where the subject lines goes?(The names were changed to protect me against being flamed. Flamed? Yep. When you violate netiquette, your fellow netizens send you hundreds of angry email messages calling you a worthless piece of flotsam and jetsam and telling you to get a cyberbrain. That's flaming . After awhile, your Internet Service Provider complains that your huge email traffic is clogging up his system and threatens to discontinue your service).
Sometimes the flaming reaches such a level that it becomes a flame war. Misinterpreted jokes or wisecracks start plenty of flame wars, as does thoughtful dissertation on controversial issues. But the greatest cause of flame wars is spamming.
"Spamming? " Yes. Spamming is the widely despised practice of sending the email equivalent of junk mail to people without their permission. It works like this. You join a mailing list or a newsgroup devoted to the discussion of raising basset hounds, for example. Then you receive a message saying "Make A Gazillion Dollars in your Spare Time by Stuffing Envelopes at the Office Between Sales Calls. Better Yet, Get Your Customers to Stuff Envelopes While They Wait in Reception Area! Click on This Link to Find Out How You Can Get Filthy Rich Without Any Investment!"
This is a spam. Every self- respecting netizen responds by promptly sending a particularly vitriolic flame to the spammer. People who are really having a bad hair day figure out who the dude's Internet Service Provider is, then email the Postmaster complaining that one of their customers is guilty of spamming. Long after the spammer has left the scene, the members of the mailing list continue to post messages condemning the spam. Finally, someone will suggest that the topic exhausted and should be dropped, then BINGO! Faster then an IRS audit, a flame war erupts between list members.
One way to avoid getting flamed on a mailing list is to read the FAQ before you post anything. "What the blazes is the FAQ?" I heard some of you muttering into your cappuccinos. Okay then, the FAQ is the Frequently Asked Question sheet. People who manage Internet mailing lists often put together a list of the most commonly asked questions so newbies can read the FAQ first before posting. That's how it works in theory. In practice, nobody ever reads the FAQ. The FAQs are talked about all the time but seldom read. Sort of like the instruction manuals that come with your VCR. "Did you mention the word newbies?" Yes. A newbie is NetSpeak for an inexperienced newcomer. You'll need to know the term so you can use it as an insult when fighting with someone over a breech of netiquette. "Of course you don't do it that way. What are you anyway, a newbie?"
By now, you'll have a good basic understanding of the landmines that lie hidden in the Superhighway. I'd be happy to answer any questions, but I have to go now. I just thought of the perfect retort for that jackass from Australia.